Just learned that word. Kinda like saying it.
Anyways,
I'm bored outta my fucking mind and instead of repeatedly searching facebook for something interesting I thought I'd record random shit that has been going on.
So first things first:
Seannie, I, and Megan all found a place..hopefully. Its ok...It's up on South Hill and stuff so that's cool. I ddn't get good vibes from the tour lady though. :/ that worries me. Also we had to pay shit tons of application and reservation fees and they turned down my mums cosigner app (yeah, we had to have a fucking cosigner because they won't count megan and I's pay over here in Idaho). I just felt like there were WAY to many barriers to get into this place. I'm not exactly sure which way it's going to go. Hopefully we get it cuz of the spot, but....who knows?
Second:
Megan did lav grad today! It was pretty cool. Ryanne was there and Quaid graduated again. It was pretty neat! The man who runs the pride foundation in Idaho was the keynote speaker. pretty sweet. and Micah was the student speaker, and apparently the outstanding senior of the year! So fucking amazing that a Trans student won that!! Really speaks out about how amazing UI can be.
Thirdly:
I think I've been depressed lately. I dunno why it feels weird to say I have, but I think I am. It's weird I have no idea what set it off. I mean, yes, there was that shit from my last post but I seemed to get over that a little bit. But the last day that I was in Washington I got these horrible angry feelings and they stayed all day before and there here constantly. I'm jumping out at everyone, its ridiculous. and I feel bad but damn. I also can't feel joy for things I know I should. Like the Eve 6 concert we went to where we were FRONT FUCKING ROW right in front of the singer. I was happy I was there, but it wasn't that tru happy ya know? like I just couldn't reach that part that makes you all glowly and hits your heart and shit. I just don't have that. Like seriously, emo shit aside, I feel dead on the inside...it's really kreeppy and I don't like it. I wanna enjoy shit!
I watched Blue Crush for the first time in years when I got back cuz I was so angry. and I'm glad cuz it calmed me down and I fucking LOVE that movie, even from a feminist perspective (for the most part). but like even then I still couldn't feel that happiness. like I'm being barred from it. I hit a ceiling.
Also, I got what megan thinks, is drunk for the first time. I remember everything vididly and could think straight, but I was numb and shit and apparently slurring my words. However, I believe that megan has a huge bias, as do I, and she exaggerated tons of it. but anyways. Danielle and I and megan went out to this big whiskey place and we didn't space our drinks cuz I wasn't really thinking and I was nervous and there wasn't food and I was too nervous to ask for food in front of all the fucking guys and hot chicks, so I w just drank the AMF. and then we took a couple shots of whiskey and I thought I'd be fine cuz I've done that before. but....we did it so fast. and before I know it i'm a little gone. and I'm like SHIT! I fucked up that goal in life. I mean, i'm glad I experienced it because there are things I feel like I understand that could potentially help me with counseling someone who is inebriated. However, I felt like I could be letting my future kids down ya know? I want them to live a sober life, or a somewhat sober life ya know? Hopefully I won't be that asshole drunk parent to freak them out like mine did ya know? fuck that.
I want them to be proud of me. I don't want to be a hypocrite. I'll have to tell them the truth. I've been drunk once. Accidentily, and while, yes I enjoyed it. It was scarry because I"m craving it now. I will not touch a drink until this "craving" goes away because I fucking know it's the addiction in my genes. I ain't fucking doing that. I want my nose to look young and fine, and I want my liver and body and mind to be healthy. I don't want that addiction, even if I have to give up a few drinks among friends.
and that's scarry too is I feel that addiciton ya know? I am kinda glad that megan freaked out. She did. total melt down. I forgot it was the month her dad died and that alcoholism is a trigger. I cried because I was so upset she was upset, I didn't cry cuz I was drunk or anything I was just so pissed and sad and shit and she was making it hard for me to take care of danielle who I ddn't wanna leave cuz she was super smashed and stuff. I dunno.
and I felt danielle and I got akward after it. She doens't think so, but I do. wait, then again it could be because she felt left out :( for all of us moving and hanging out. if only she knew how much I love her tho. :(( I love when she texts me and we hang and talk. I love it!!! She's like my new bestie and I don't wanna give that up ya know? and fuck. all the shit my brother has done to her, she needs some good friends, even if it isn't me. even though I'd like it to be.
Anyways. so yeah there was that. I'm hoping that didn't fuck w/ my chemistry so bad as to knock me into depression/anger like I am now. Nothing a lot of sober living won't cure. but for right now that's a scary thought. :( .
HOwever, the dysthymic feelings had been there before. and I haven't drank alcohol since friday so...hmm. I guess we'll see. Wish me luck? haha for getting better not not drinking. I'll be ok in that area. shit is really nasty anyways.
So yeah..
anyways, on top of that there is this boy I met on manhunt. of fuck me ,this is going to sound ridiculous and I'm going to lauff at myself later and I know I'm TOTALLY PROJECTING!! TOTALLY PROJECTING! how can I noott!!!!
but he's a boy from tumwater who lives across country and he's really sweet. and he using "!" yay! haha finally someone who knows how to use punctuation like I. but he does a lot of interesting shit. only thing is he's younger than I like to date. but whose says were gunna date. were not I mean fuck we live across country, but damn. He's cute. nice. going somewhere. nice to have someone like that. though I have to remember he's only looking for firends. and he lost his virginity to his friend or whatever a few days ago. So kreepy I fucking know this shit, but I'm kinda excited to talk to a guy again. As we know, the 2 men who are in my life is now actually only 1 man and I dont' get to see my brother Charlie that much :(((( I wish I could. Wish he could fucking live w/ me. I love having him around <3 anyways. I don't meet a lot of guys, especially those interested (even in just being friends!) so that's nice. I dunno. I'm starving for that connection to be honest. I'm really tired of being alone. I mean, even though I'm going through this huge life change and it would be difficult to try something with someone, adding worry and stuff. It would be really nice to have someone there to talk about stuff, and rely on, and fuck, even physical or the want for real physical contact would be great. I mean, yes, I get this support from my family, but it's different between partners. ya know? of course you do. I hope. lol
anyways, even though I'm totally projecting and a wee bit (really) crazy, I'd like this to go somewhere. at least more. oh fuck I sound so krepp tastic. nevermind. fuck that. I'll see where this goes, if not, whatevs. there'll always be another dude down the road to chat :). lol have fun while it lasts. keep ya going for a bit.
but still it would be nice to have someone, I would say anyone. but I'm picky.
anyways. I really hope this whole moving thing and everything goes well. I'm stressed over jobs in particular. I feel like even though I have a 33,000 degree I still am only eligable to work at a starbucks :(((. so that's fucked up. If I get into school I'll have no way to pay rent and schooling without help. Real help. like more loans. and I can't take out any more :((
I'm just kinda at a loss there. I'm hoping to move, maybe once I'm up on my feet volunteer, and work my way up and see where it goes ya know? It's so weird not having a plan ya know? the last time this happeend I jumped right into college with help, this time. this is new. it's different, scary and exciting, but stressful and scary more.
I won't lose my faith or my goals really. I mean I want to help in a greater capacity and I need a social work degree. That won't change. but the path I take there can.
I dunno. I'm hoping this will all turn out for the best, and with the right outlook, like I'm feeling right now, I think it can and will :)
Although I will have to get rid of this depression which means figureing out what it is and a combination of. I'm pretty sure I have thoughts like my worth and stuff. which part of my goal now is to not compare myself to megan. I am not her and she is not me. People enjoy me and honor me for things too, not just her. differnet. I'm still worthy. that's what I got to keep thinking in my head. Even though it's tough. I hope to feel that worthiness again soon. but who knows right?
anyways, my eyes are blurry and I feel like I've already written so much.
Hang in there as I am trying to...or better lol
-Alex
thts cool i have NEVER tried 2 wakeboard i have wanted 2 but dont live near a big enough lake or the ocean so yea....... <3 <3 charlie
Yeah, sure. Any way, My sister does photography too. Alll of my photos of my nieces and stuff are done by her. Coolness.... Any way, bye, guesssssss Blackness in the hearts, Maggie Simpson